On Feeling Second Best...

I cannot schtop hugging Muzzah. I do not know vut is wrong vis me. Zis morning ven she vahlked by me, I vus compelled to schtretch up and embrace her. Zen I schtopped...but before she could move avay, I had to hug her again. I sink I am losing my mind.

Everysing schmells like ze howler monkey. I am nauseated by it. It seems as zo I vil never again be free of zis persecution.

Last night I had a dream zat I vus vis Willy Wonka in his great factory. Zen Mithrandir fell down ze garbage chute and ze howler monkey turned into a blueberry and zey rolled him avay to a sound proof room. Zen Willy Wonka said zat I vus ze best and gave me a lifetime supply of woobies. And Muzzuh and Papa were chanting, "Yay Augustus! Augustus is ze BEST! He is ze most favored of ALL ze cats in ze UNIVERSE!" It vus a glorious dream.

Zis morning ven ze howler baby vus sleeping, I vent to talk vis Muzzuh. I made my voice very soft and sweet and said, "Muzzuh? Isn't ze house lovely and quiet right now? I vunder vy zat is. I luf zat you are HAPPIEST ven ze house is quiet like it is right now."

She didn't respond, so I sighed as loudly as I could..."Huuhhh." And I vaited. "Huuhhh." (nussing) "HUUHHH."

Muzzuh said, "Augustus? Is there something wrong?"

"No, no..." I said, "I am just sinking about how sometimes I am so cold and zehr is nussing to make me comfortable...Huuhhh..."

"Augustus, are you wanting me to make you a woobie?"

"A woobie?" I asked. "Vell, I SUPPOSE if it vould make you feel as zo you are finally being a good muzzuh to me...zen I guess you could do zat..."  

"Huuhhh."

"What is it now, Augustus?"

"Vell, I vus just sinking zat it vould be nice to haf somesing like milk to drink...like you give ze howler baby."

"Augustus, the milk is made for kittens...not for big cats like you."

"You hate me," I said.

But zen Muzzuh picked me up and cuddled vis me. And I luffed ze soft vay zat she petted me. And so I schnuggled vis my muzzuh...and zat made me happy. Even zo she schmelled of fresh howler monkey.