On Presidential Candidates

I haf been shtudying ze presidential candidates on YouTube today. Zey are strange and interesting...and I do not unduhshtand many of zem. Zey fight about efrysing.

Ze Ted Cruz man shcares me. I feel as zo he vood be ze type zat might attempt to eat me ven he thought no vun vus looking. I do not sink zat he is entirely human. Also, he brought out a shcary woman who sang a creepy song and zat made me throw up on ze carpet and get in trouble.

I like zat vun of zem is orange, like me. But, ze orange vun seems to be a bully. But, I do like ze idea of building a vall around ze food bowls and making my bruzzah, Mithrandir, pay for it. (Also, grey cats are trouble makers and golden colored cats should be recognized as superior.) I tried to build a vall by myself out of cardboard boxes and socks, but Mithrandir knocked it all down and zen ran avay before I could schmack him. I do not know how to make ze kitchen great again as long as Mithrandir is allowed to ruin my life. Alas, I remain oppressed.

Ze Hillary woman says zat she can get sings done. I like zat. I wrote her a letter in ze hopes zat she vill help me vis my problems.

Dear Hillary Woman,
I am Augustus and I am a great golden warrior zat lives in Kansas. I am ze best. I sink zat zerh should be laws zat allow cats to vote. Also, I like your pant suits because I could give you hugs visout shnagging your panty hose. I saw zat you vunce had a cat named Sox. You must be more diplomatic zen I, because I know zat tuxedo cats are shnobs and I do not know how you put up vis zem! Vun of my bruzzuhs is a tuxedo cat and he has a creepy eye...it is like ze Tell Tale Heart, I kid you not! Anyvay, if you can come to Kansas and tell my muzzuh to shtop yelling at me for being on ze kitchen countertops I vood appreciate it. Sank you. Your pal, Augustus.

My muzzuh and papa like ze Bernie man. I like him, too, but am afraid zat he may be ze type zat might walk very fast and not look vehr he is going. I am very afraid of being shtepped on by people like zat. 

I like zat ze Bernie man has big ideas and dreams like me. AND I LUF zat he fights for animal rights and dedicates part of his vebsite for zat! I tried to use some of ze Bernie man's arguments vis my parents. I said, "Ve must FIX our crumbling INFRASTRUCTURE! Ve must fight against ze oppression zat vood bring us generic kibble and late dinners! Ve MUST haf a voice!" But, zey only patted me on ze head and kept vahtching zehr TV programs. Zey are ze vun percent and I haf no power against zem. But, if ve all shtand TOGEZZUH, I must belief zat ve can triumph!

So, zat is how I shpent my day. I am exhausted. Perhaps next time, I vil run to be ze president.