She starts by sweeping ze food bits into a pile. Ve alvays try to play in zis mound of deliciousness, and I often try to eat some of it. Zen ze broom attacks us! Ve are locked in a great battle vis it every morning! Ve haf yet to claim a victory.
Zis morning, ven our human muzzah vent to get ze broom, she discovered zat somevun had pooed on its bristles and it vus schtuck to ze floor! She vus NOT happy about zis AT ALL!
Ve all circled around it in awe to see ze defilement. Ve vould have laughed had our human muzzah not been so irritated vis ze act. So in light of her frustration, ve kept silent.
She turned to us and sternly asked, "Who did this?!"
I sat zehr vahtching because I vus curious as to whom ze broom pooer vus, too. Zen my human muzzah looked down at me and said, "Augustus? Did YOU do zis?"
I vus APPALLED zat she vould automatically accuse ME of zis! But zen I realized zat my bruzzahs and sistuh had quietly sneaked avay and so ze only vun sitting zehr vus now ME! Zerfore I appeared quite guilty!
I looked up at her and desperately proclaimed, "Not I! NOT I! I did not LIKE ze broom, but I did not vahnt it POOED!"
She did not seem convinced and zis upset me GREATLY! She zen cleaned up ze poo and placed ze broom outside by ze dumpster.
Zis bothered me all morning because I felt as though I had been framed! I decided zat ze only vay to prove my innocence vus to find ze true culprit! And so, I decided to solve ze mystery.
First, I vent and found Daniel so zat he could help me. I said, "Come Daniel! Let us go and solve ze mystery of Ze Broom Straw Pooer! I vil be Sherlock Holmes and you can be my Dr. Vahtson. Only I vil be AUGUSTUS Holmes, and YOU can be Dr. DANIEL Vahtson."
My bruzzah, Mithrandir, came to us and said zat he vahnted to play, also. So I said he could be our landlady, Mrs. Hudson. He did not like zat idea and complained zat he did not vahnt to be ze landlady.
But I said, "Quit interrupting and go make us tea and biscuits!"
Zen Daniel and I decided to start by questioning efryvun. Daniel said zat ve should ask if zey had an alibi. Zen he explained zat an alibi is somevun who swears you ver vis zem and zerfore could not have committed ze crime.
Zis seemed like a good idea to me, so ve started vis ze bigguh cats. I marched up to zem and tried to make my voice sound very firm and demanded, "BIGGUH CATS! Do you haf an alibi for last night ven ze Broom Straw Pooer attacked?!"
But zey all hissed at us and called us, "Piglet and Paper Wad."
And I shouted at zem, "Ve are NOT PIGLET and PAPUH VAHD! Ve are AUGUSTUS HOLMES AND DR. DANIEL VAHTSON! And YOU are ALL now PRIME SUSPECTS!!!"
But zen Daniel vispered zat ze poo vus not big enough to haf come from ze bigguh cats. I told him zat vus a very good observation. I vus not happy zat Daniel vus correct, though, because I vahnted to prove zat ze bigguh cats had done bad sings and get zem into trouble!
Next, ve vent to my bruzzahs and sistuh and asked zem if zey had alibis. Mithrandir said zat it could not haf been him because he is Mrs. Hudson.
"You are STILL a suspect!" I bellowed. "And vehr is our TEA and BISCUITS?!!!"
Zen my bruzzahs and sistuh all agreed to be each uzzah's alibis. Zis made me ANGRY because I knew zat zey ver LYING!
My siblings zen asked, "Do YOU haf an alibi, Augustus? Maybe YOU are ze Broom Straw Pooer!"
"ALIBIS ARE SCHTUPID!!!" I cried and stomped avay!
So Daniel and I decided to look for clues instead. Ve started at ze area of ze attack. But our human muzzah had tampered vis ze crime scene so completely zat zehr vus no evidence to be found.
Zen ve tried to stake out ze excrement box to see if ve could make a positive identification on whose poo vus closest to ze Broom Straw Pooer's poo. But efryvun told us to, "Go AVAY!" And zey all covered zehr poo vis litter before ve could inspect it. Zis seemed VERY suspicious to us!
Finally, aftuh valking around ze house all morning trying to solve ze mystery, Daniel and I felt very defeated. Ve sat down to rest, and ve talked about ze case.
Ve all had motive, in zat none of us liked ze broom. And also, last night somevun had left a giant poo in ze middle of ze excrement box so no vun had vahnted to go in zehr!
Ve all had opportunity, because ve all run about ze house in ze night ven ve are not napping.
SO, ve did not KNOW who it could be!
At vun point, I vent to Mithrandir and tried to make HIM take responsibility for ze act!
"CONFESS!" I howled! And zen I schmacked him! "CONFESS I SAY!!!" Schmack! SCHMACK!!!
But zen ze humans scooped him up and comforted him like zey ALVAYS do. And I did not get my confession.
In ze end, Daniel and I abandoned our attempt to solve ze crime. And I vil not sleep soundly tonight. For I know zat ze Broom Straw Pooer is still out zehr...Somevehr."
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