On Feeling Second Best...

I cannot schtop hugging Muzzah. I do not know vut is wrong vis me. Zis morning ven she vahlked by me, I vus compelled to schtretch up and embrace her. Zen I schtopped...but before she could move avay, I had to hug her again. I sink I am losing my mind.

Everysing schmells like ze howler monkey. I am nauseated by it. It seems as zo I vil never again be free of zis persecution.

Last night I had a dream zat I vus vis Willy Wonka in his great factory. Zen Mithrandir fell down ze garbage chute and ze howler monkey turned into a blueberry and zey rolled him avay to a sound proof room. Zen Willy Wonka said zat I vus ze best and gave me a lifetime supply of woobies. And Muzzuh and Papa were chanting, "Yay Augustus! Augustus is ze BEST! He is ze most favored of ALL ze cats in ze UNIVERSE!" It vus a glorious dream.

Zis morning ven ze howler baby vus sleeping, I vent to talk vis Muzzuh. I made my voice very soft and sweet and said, "Muzzuh? Isn't ze house lovely and quiet right now? I vunder vy zat is. I luf zat you are HAPPIEST ven ze house is quiet like it is right now."

She didn't respond, so I sighed as loudly as I could..."Huuhhh." And I vaited. "Huuhhh." (nussing) "HUUHHH."

Muzzuh said, "Augustus? Is there something wrong?"

"No, no..." I said, "I am just sinking about how sometimes I am so cold and zehr is nussing to make me comfortable...Huuhhh..."

"Augustus, are you wanting me to make you a woobie?"

"A woobie?" I asked. "Vell, I SUPPOSE if it vould make you feel as zo you are finally being a good muzzuh to me...zen I guess you could do zat..."  

"Huuhhh."

"What is it now, Augustus?"

"Vell, I vus just sinking zat it vould be nice to haf somesing like milk to drink...like you give ze howler baby."

"Augustus, the milk is made for kittens...not for big cats like you."

"You hate me," I said.

But zen Muzzuh picked me up and cuddled vis me. And I luffed ze soft vay zat she petted me. And so I schnuggled vis my muzzuh...and zat made me happy. Even zo she schmelled of fresh howler monkey.

On Dealing Vis Howler Monkeys

Muzzuh and Papa have brought a howler monkey into our home. Zey found it unduh ze house and insisted on keeping it. Zey haf commenced to caring for it. Zey say it is a kitten...but I am not convinced.

Muzzuh schpends ALL her time vis it! If she is not feeding it, she is bathing it. If she is not holding it, she is helping it go pee and poo...WHO needs help vis zat?!! She never helped ME to pee and poo! She never bathed ME! (Except ven she tried to drown me in ze sink vis vahtuh and soap bubbles aftuh I got ze poo schtuck to my leg and my bruzzuhs called me schtinky poo bottom!) AND ze howler monkey has a "woobie"...a special pillow zat zey warm up for him to sleep vis! I NEVER had a WOOBIE! Zis is an OUTRAGE!

And it cries all ze time! It is SO annoying! I cried out to my muzzuh, "VY do ve haf to live vis zis HOWLER MONKEY?!"

But, she just asked me if I vahnted to come and sit vis it. "NO!" I shouted! "RUDE!" And zen I schtomped avay. But ze sound of ze howler monkey's cries seemed to follow me vehrever I vent. I cannot eshcape zose cries. Zey haunt my dreams.

I do not unduhschtand vy I haf been singled out for zis torture. Muzzuh says zat I am just "jealous."

"JEALOUS!?" I cried. "I am NOT JEALOUS of zat schtinky, annoying howler monkey!"

I tried to get close to muzzuh yesterday and ze little menace tried to touch me! "GROSS!" I exclaimed and ran out of ze room!

Alas, my muzzuh never ceases to find new vays to ruin my life. I must rest now...as ze howler monkey sleeps. For I know not ven it vil return to haunt me vis its cries.

On Presidential Candidates

I haf been shtudying ze presidential candidates on YouTube today. Zey are strange and interesting...and I do not unduhshtand many of zem. Zey fight about efrysing.

Ze Ted Cruz man shcares me. I feel as zo he vood be ze type zat might attempt to eat me ven he thought no vun vus looking. I do not sink zat he is entirely human. Also, he brought out a shcary woman who sang a creepy song and zat made me throw up on ze carpet and get in trouble.

I like zat vun of zem is orange, like me. But, ze orange vun seems to be a bully. But, I do like ze idea of building a vall around ze food bowls and making my bruzzah, Mithrandir, pay for it. (Also, grey cats are trouble makers and golden colored cats should be recognized as superior.) I tried to build a vall by myself out of cardboard boxes and socks, but Mithrandir knocked it all down and zen ran avay before I could schmack him. I do not know how to make ze kitchen great again as long as Mithrandir is allowed to ruin my life. Alas, I remain oppressed.

Ze Hillary woman says zat she can get sings done. I like zat. I wrote her a letter in ze hopes zat she vill help me vis my problems.

Dear Hillary Woman,
I am Augustus and I am a great golden warrior zat lives in Kansas. I am ze best. I sink zat zerh should be laws zat allow cats to vote. Also, I like your pant suits because I could give you hugs visout shnagging your panty hose. I saw zat you vunce had a cat named Sox. You must be more diplomatic zen I, because I know zat tuxedo cats are shnobs and I do not know how you put up vis zem! Vun of my bruzzuhs is a tuxedo cat and he has a creepy eye...it is like ze Tell Tale Heart, I kid you not! Anyvay, if you can come to Kansas and tell my muzzuh to shtop yelling at me for being on ze kitchen countertops I vood appreciate it. Sank you. Your pal, Augustus.

My muzzuh and papa like ze Bernie man. I like him, too, but am afraid zat he may be ze type zat might walk very fast and not look vehr he is going. I am very afraid of being shtepped on by people like zat. 

I like zat ze Bernie man has big ideas and dreams like me. AND I LUF zat he fights for animal rights and dedicates part of his vebsite for zat! I tried to use some of ze Bernie man's arguments vis my parents. I said, "Ve must FIX our crumbling INFRASTRUCTURE! Ve must fight against ze oppression zat vood bring us generic kibble and late dinners! Ve MUST haf a voice!" But, zey only patted me on ze head and kept vahtching zehr TV programs. Zey are ze vun percent and I haf no power against zem. But, if ve all shtand TOGEZZUH, I must belief zat ve can triumph!

So, zat is how I shpent my day. I am exhausted. Perhaps next time, I vil run to be ze president. 

On Dealing With Sensitive Siblings

My Muzzah is a TYRANT!

I have begun calling my human muzzah, "Tyrant." She has done much to deserf zis title. Efery day she finds new vays of asserting her need to implement countless deeds of injustice.

Today, like most days, I vus enjoying a peaceful stroll upon ze kitchen counter tops. I find zat it is essential to vun's vell being to make time each day for such soul filling moments. Humanz obviously do not understand zis...zey are a close minded tribe.

So, zehr I vus haffing a happy time on my stroll, and I decided to sit down near ze coffee maker to reflect upon life and all its beauty. Zat is ven ze TYRANT noticed me.

Did she say, "OH, Augustus! You are such a wise and handsome king of ze cats! How I admire your depths and ze beautiful lessons zat you provide! You are surely my most favorite of ALL ze cats I haf evuh encountered!"

No. She did NOT say zat. Instead she said, "Goose! Get off ze counter!!!"

(She has taken to calling me Goose...vich is a CLEAR insult to my cathood!)

So...I yawned at her and said, "NO."

To vich she responded, "You better get down from zehr RIGHT NOW, young man!"

I calmly stared at her and blinked and said, "Ze floor is lava. I must stay vehr I am."

Zen she raised her voice and said, "GOOSTUS! GET DOWN Do NOT make me come over zehr!!"

I said, "BE GONE SPECTER! You are CLEARLY in  ze SPIRIT REALM, as you haf been dissolved into a great puddle of simmering liquid MAGMA!" And zen I added, "AND DO NOT CALL MY GOOSTUS! MY NAME IS AUGUSTUS, ZE GREAT GOLDEN WARRIOR AND YOU VIL RESPECT ZAT!!!"

Zen ze tyrant marched up to me and put her hand on my bottom and PUSHED me off ze counter!

I trotted avay shouting, "BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! ZE TYRANT IS OPPRESSING ME!!! I MUST BE AVENGED!!!"

But no vun came to my aide and some of my bruzzahs and sistahs ver snickering...AND I DID NOT LIKE IT!

I vil now go and take a glorious poo and zen sit my schtinky bottom on ze tyrant's pillow! ZAT vil surely reprimand her for her blatant tyranny!

On Thanksgiving...

Today I haf been introduced to a new holiday. It is called Zanksgiffing and you celebrate all you are zankful for by EATING efrysing you see! ZIS EES ZE MOST VUNDERFUL DAY!!!

I am zankful for food. I am zankful for ALL my bruzzahs and sistahs who allow me to eat zer food ven zey are not looking. I am zankful for my little cousins who listen to my stories and belief me ven I tell zem zat I am ze most powerful and most vunderful of all ze cats in ze vorld. I am zankful for Mithrandir who makes me look good just by being himself. I am zankful for my uncle Simon who I luf.

I am zankful for my human family who feed me...and I forgive zem for being selfish piggies and not sharing zer human food vis me. I am zankful for ze various toy boxes about ze house zat ze humanz call trashcanz...zey regularly fill zese toy boxes vis bits of plastic and cardboard, and wadded up facial tissues...SUCH good fun!

I am zankful for ze demon-cat named Baby who makes me a stronger and more alert varrior. I am zankful for ze big cat, Simba, who pees on ze floor and gets in trouble...and zerfor takes all ze attention avay from all ze naughty sings zat ze rest of us do!

I am zankful for clean excrement boxes and soft blanketz and most of all for Daniel and ALL ze people who cannot live visout me.

Throwback Thursday

Today I am celebrating a sing zat is called, "Throwback Thursday." On zis day you are given permission to show off pictures from ze past and tell people vy ze photos haf significant meanings to you. Zis is my first Throwback Thursday, and I am quite excited!

The topic of my Throwback Thursday is one of my favorite days vis my bruzzah, Mithrandir. Everyvun sinks zat Mithrandir is SO perfect and SO cute. It is annoying. So vun day, I decided to dedicate my entire day to giving him all ze sings zat I felt he truly deserved.

First, I found him during his morning nap and took a big poo on ze carpet next to him. Ven ze humanz found it, zey blamed him and scolded him as zey scrubbed ze rug. OH...it vas MAGICAL!

Later, during his afternoon nap, I tipped over ze trash basket next to him so zat ze humanz again blamed HIM! He vas SO surprised and confused and I vas SO overjoyed and entertained!!!

Mithrandir skulked around ze house zat afternooon but he eventually became sleepy again because his nap had been interrupted vis being scolded. (Again. Ha HA!) So, ven he vas laying down again, I vent and snuggled by him so I could rest, too.

I said, "I am sorry zat you haf had SUCH a difficult day, my bruzzah. I am sure zat everysing vil be OK." And zen ven he vas almost asleep, I added, "Oh, and Mithrandir...you are adopted."

OH vaht a GLORIOUS day zat vus! I still remember sitting under ze chair and laughing about it. I am still laughing zis day!

On Being Misunderstood.

I am PLAYING vis my little cousins. NO, I am NOT ABUSING ZEM! My human muzzah does NOT BELIEF ME!

Augustus the Hungry Kitten (On investigation)

Each morning our human muzzah picks up our food bowls to clean zem out before feeding us. Vile ze bowls are soaking, she uses a terrible device to gazzuh up ze cat food pieces zat haf fallen to ze floor. Ze device has a long stick vis horrible pointy bristles at ze end. She calls zis, ze broom. Ve all HATE ze broom. 

She starts by sweeping ze food bits into a pile. Ve alvays try to play in zis mound of deliciousness, and I often try to eat some of it. Zen ze broom attacks us! Ve are locked in a great battle vis it every morning! Ve haf yet to claim a victory. 

Zis morning, ven our human muzzah vent to get ze broom, she discovered zat somevun had pooed on its bristles and it vus schtuck to ze floor! She vus NOT happy about zis AT ALL! 

Ve all circled around it in awe to see ze defilement. Ve vould have laughed had our human muzzah not been so irritated vis ze act. So in light of her frustration, ve kept silent.  

She turned to us and sternly asked, "Who did this?!"

I sat zehr vahtching because I vus curious as to whom ze broom pooer vus, too. Zen my human muzzah looked down at me and said, "Augustus? Did YOU do zis?"

I vus APPALLED zat she vould automatically accuse ME of zis! But zen I realized zat my bruzzahs and sistuh had quietly sneaked avay and so ze only vun sitting zehr vus now ME! Zerfore I appeared quite guilty!

I looked up at her and desperately proclaimed, "Not I! NOT I! I did not LIKE ze broom, but I did not vahnt it POOED!"

She did not seem convinced and zis upset me GREATLY! She zen cleaned up ze poo and placed ze broom outside by ze dumpster. 

Zis bothered me all morning because I felt as though I had been framed! I decided zat ze only vay to prove my innocence vus to find ze true culprit! And so, I decided to solve ze mystery. 

First, I vent and found Daniel so zat he could help me. I said, "Come Daniel! Let us go and solve ze mystery of Ze Broom Straw Pooer! I vil be Sherlock Holmes and you can be my Dr. Vahtson. Only I vil be AUGUSTUS Holmes, and YOU can be Dr. DANIEL Vahtson." 

My bruzzah, Mithrandir, came to us and said zat he vahnted to play, also. So I said he could be our landlady, Mrs. Hudson. He did not like zat idea and complained zat he did not vahnt to be ze landlady.

But I said, "Quit interrupting and go make us tea and biscuits!"

Zen Daniel and I decided to start by questioning efryvun. Daniel said zat ve should ask if zey had an alibi. Zen he explained zat an alibi is somevun who swears you ver vis zem and zerfore could not have committed ze crime. 

Zis seemed like a good idea to me, so ve started vis ze bigguh cats. I marched up to zem and tried to make my voice sound very firm and demanded, "BIGGUH CATS! Do you haf an alibi for last night ven ze Broom Straw Pooer attacked?!"

But zey all hissed at us and called us, "Piglet and Paper Wad."

And I shouted at zem, "Ve are NOT PIGLET and PAPUH VAHD! Ve are AUGUSTUS HOLMES AND DR. DANIEL VAHTSON! And YOU are ALL now PRIME SUSPECTS!!!" 

But zen Daniel vispered zat ze poo vus not big enough to haf come from ze bigguh cats. I told him zat vus a very good observation. I vus not happy zat Daniel vus correct, though, because I vahnted to prove zat ze bigguh cats had done bad sings and get zem into trouble! 

Next, ve vent to my bruzzahs and sistuh and asked zem if zey had alibis. Mithrandir said zat it could not haf been him because he is Mrs. Hudson. 

"You are STILL a suspect!" I bellowed. "And vehr is our TEA and BISCUITS?!!!"

Zen my bruzzahs and sistuh all agreed to be each uzzah's alibis. Zis made me ANGRY because I knew zat zey ver LYING! 

My siblings zen asked, "Do YOU haf an alibi, Augustus? Maybe YOU are ze Broom Straw Pooer!" 

"ALIBIS ARE SCHTUPID!!!" I cried and stomped avay! 

So Daniel and I decided to look for clues instead. Ve started at ze area of ze attack. But our human muzzah had tampered vis ze crime scene so completely zat zehr vus no evidence to be found. 

Zen ve tried to stake out ze excrement box to see if ve could make a positive identification on whose poo vus closest to ze Broom Straw Pooer's poo. But efryvun told us to, "Go AVAY!" And zey all covered zehr poo vis litter before ve could inspect it. Zis seemed VERY suspicious to us!

Finally, aftuh valking around ze house all morning trying to solve ze mystery, Daniel and I felt very defeated. Ve sat down to rest, and ve talked about ze case. 

Ve all had motive, in zat none of us liked ze broom. And also, last night somevun had left a giant poo in ze middle of ze excrement box so no vun had vahnted to go in zehr! 

Ve all had opportunity, because ve all run about ze house in ze night ven ve are not napping. 

SO, ve did not KNOW who it could be!

At vun point, I vent to Mithrandir and tried to make HIM take responsibility for ze act! 

"CONFESS!" I howled! And zen I schmacked him! "CONFESS I SAY!!!" Schmack! SCHMACK!!!

But zen ze humans scooped him up and comforted him like zey ALVAYS do. And I did not get my confession. 

In ze end, Daniel and I abandoned our attempt to solve ze crime. And I vil not sleep soundly tonight. For I know zat ze Broom Straw Pooer is still out zehr...Somevehr." 

Augustus the Hungry Kitten (On solving problems)

Today I got stuck in ze sofa. At first, I vas enjoying playing vis my siblings and ve ver having such a happy time ambushing vun anuzzah by pouncing out from beneath it. 

Zen I began exploring and I found a tunnel zat vas just big enough for me to wriggle through. I found a whole new place to hide and play! I vas having a vunderful time ven it occurred to me zat I vas all alone in ze dark and efryvun else vas not vis me. I realized zen zat I vanted very much to no longer be vehr I vas! So, I tried to find my vay back out and I could NOT find ze tunnel!

At zis point I began climbing all around in a panic and screamed out loudly!

"HELP! HELP!! ZE GREAT BLUE COUCH HAS EATEN ME!!! HELP!"

I could hear all ze uzzah cats laughing at me. And zen I heard my human muzzah outside ze back of ze couch and she said, "Augustus? Can you not find your way out?"

And I shouted, "NO! I can NOT!! It is dark here! And zer are crumbs zat are too yucky to eat! And zer is dust and fuzzy sings efryvehr! AND I DO NOT LIKE IT!"

I ran frantically back and forth so zat she could see me burrowing beneath ze sofa back and could know my location so she could mount a rescue! 

But she softly said, "Well, find your way back out. Try to crawl back down closer to the floor. You can do it."

I vas FURIOUS! I layed down and cried more. "Help! I need assistance! I am trapped in ze belly of ze great couch of death and NO VUN CARES ZAT I AM DYING!"

Finally I had no more tears to cry. I got an idea zat if I could trick vun of my bruzzahs into finding me, I could vahtch vehr he came in and zen find my vay back out! 

So I said, "La, La, La! I am having SUCH a happy time! It is such great FUN to be here in ze back of ze sofa!" 

But no vun came so I raised my voice louder. "Ha HA! Zis is ze BEST place to be in ze vorld! Perhaps I vil stay here FOREVER! And I am ze MOST special kitty because I am ze ONLY vun here and NO VUN is here vis me!"

But still no vun came, so I screeched, "SOMEVUN HAD BETTUH GET IN ZIS COUCH VIS ME RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT, I VIL VAIT UNTIL YOU ARE SLEEPING AND I VIL PEE ON YOUR LEG JUST AS I DID TO OUR HUMAN MUZZAH!!!"

I vaited quietly for vut seemed like a long time to me. I sink efryvun vas napping and did not hear me. 

I became hungry, so I decided to slowly creep towards ze floor. And since I vas no longer in a panic, I vas able to find ze tunnel out. I vas so proud of myself and felt great confidence about zis! But, I vas still quite angry zat no vun vud rescue me. 

My human muzzah came to me and tried to pet me and ask if I vas alright. but I shouted at her! 

"NO! You may not LOOK at me or TALK to me! You may FEED me and clean my excrement box, AND ZAT IS ALL!" 

Zen I added, "YOU DO NOT LIKE ME! NO VUN LOVES ME! I AM NO LONGER A PART OF ZIS FAMILY!!!"

And for emphasis, "YOU are NO LONGER my human muzzah! And I am NO LONGER your AUGUSTUS! You may call me RESIDENT and I vill call you, SCHTINCKY PEE LEG!!!"

And zen I stomped avay into ze uzzah room! 

Schtincky Pee Leg followed me and picked me up to nuzzle me. She softly said, "Augustus, I am VERY proud of you. You were brave and smart to find your own way out."

I liked zat she called me "Augustus" and not "Resident." And I liked ze nice sings zat she said to me. And I liked MOST OF ALL zat she vas correct! Zat I HAD been brave and vise to find a vay to do ze sing zat I sought I could not do! 

And zis taught me a lesson. Ven somevun feels zat zey cannot solve zehr own problem, you should NOT jump in and solve it for zem. You should go to zem and give zem encouragement and direction, but NOT give zem ze solution until zey haf tried very hard to figure it out for zemselves. Zis vay, if zey can find zehr own answer, zey vil feel strong and able to solve uzzah problems for zemselves in ze future! Zis vil give zem great amounts of CONFIDENCE! Zey vil surely be terribly angry vis you at first, but in ze end, zey vil be happier. 

And I did feel happier. Because now I know zat if I evuh get stuck in ze sofa again, I can find my own vay out. 

I snuggled vis my human muzzah and purred. I vil let her be "Human Muzzah" again and not "Schtincky Pee Leg." But only because I learned such a good lesson from her. And also because I did not die in ze couch of death.

Augustus the Hungry Kitten (On sibling rivalry)

"One of my bruzzahs is named Mithrandir. He is mostly ze color grey and he is partially fluffy like me. But he is NOT AS fluffy as me and zerfore clearly NOT superior!

Mithrandir struts about haughtily ven ze humanz are not looking and he brags zat he has ze most fanciful and beautiful name. I sink it is a strange and confusing name and I tell him zat surely ze humanz just threw three syllables togezzuh at random and gave him a NONSENSE name because zey sought he did not DESERVE a great and MAJESTIC name such as Augustus!

Ze bigguh cats zen told us zat ze name is from a great story about strange humanz zat go on adventures to save ze vorld from evil and destruction. It is called Ze Lord of ze Rings. 'Mithrandir' vas a term zat ze pointy-eared humanz called ze vizard named Gandalf. Zey said it meant he vas a grey wanderer. 

Zis story made my bruzzah, Mithrandir, boast and strut about all ze more, so zat he vas IMPOSSIBLE to live wis! BUT, ze bigguh cats ALSO said zat in ze tale, ze Gandalf vizard becomes a more powerful vizard and ZEN is NO LONGER GREY but is zen VITE! 

So I told my bruzzah, 'You see? YOU are named aftuh somevun who is in zer LESSER form! YOU are a grey vizard. YOU are NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH to be a VITE vizard!!!'

Zen, Mithrandir said zat ze bigguh cats told HIM zat I vas named aftuh a fat and greedy German boy who visits a chocolate factory!

I screeched at him, 'NO ZIS IS NOT TRUE!!!' And I launched myself into ze air and TACKLED him and BIT HIS BOTTOM AS HARD AS I COULD so zat he cried out!!!

Ze humanz came and scooped him up and comforted him. And he looked up at zem vis his giant round eyes so zat zey felt sorry for him. 

I ran aftuh ze humanz as zey valked avay vis him, and I shouted up at zem, "Do not belief him! He is NOT ze innocent being zat his eyes suggest! Do NOT fall for zis TRICKERY!!!' But ze humanz vud not listen to me. 

And so I called out to Mithrandir, 'I SEE you for vat you TRULY are! Your big eyes do NOT fool me!! Efryvun else may belief your scared and confused looks, but NOT I!!! I SEE YOUR TRUTH!'

But he just made faces at me vis his disgusting big cat eyes! I vas SO filled vis rage zat I vent and schtomped about in ze excrement box and zen stood in his food bowl and turned circles so zat unspeakable filth vud zen be laced into his next meal!

Daniel said zat I vent too far, but I SAY ZAT YOU SHOULD NOT UNDUH-ESTIMATE ZE SCHTINCKY PAWS OF JUSTICE!!!"

Augustus the Hungry Kitten (On guilt)

"At night my bruzzahs and sistah and I like to frolic on ze tall sleeping platform zat ze humanz slumber upon. It is fun to scale and it has billowy cuvuhs. My bruzzah, Jaspuh, vas biting at my human muzzah's toes and pretending it vas a great monstuh beneath ze cuvahs. My human muzzah avoke and shouted at him to stop!

Zen, ven she had fallen back to her sleep, Jaspuh said zat I should pee on her. Jaspuh vas mad at our human muzzah for rebuking him. I told Jaspuh zat I did not sink zat I should do zis! But zen zey all taunted me and said, 'Augustus is a spoiled baby! Augustus is afraid of ze humanz! Augustus has no bravery to do zis!'

Zis made me very angry and I cried out, 'I am NOT afraid of ANYSING!!!'

Zen I heard Daniel calling up from ze floor saying zat he did not sink it vas right to do somesing like zat...but I did not listen to him because I vanted to SHOW my siblings zat I vas brave and daring and zat ZEY ver wrong to say zat I vas NOT!

So I became very brave and zen I urinated on my human muzzah's leg. It vas quite warm and comforting at first, but zen it became cold and uncomfortable very soon aftuh. So ve all left ze giant sleeping platform and vent to rest in ze prison room...which is now no longer barred at night.

In ze morning, ze humanz ver VERY upset to find my pee on ze bed. My human muzzah vent to vash her leg and zen ripped all of ze vunderful cuvuhs off and fed zem to ze giant metal monstuh in ze laundry room. I could hear ze monstuh drooling on ze cuvahs and zen he SHOOK zem violently about!

As ve vaited to be fed, my bruzzahs laffed and called my human muzzah 'schtinky pee leg.' I tried very hard not to luck at her ven she fed us. I did not feel in a happy mood. 

Zen Daniel said zat he sought zat it vas not good to urinate on people. And zat angered me and I screamed, 'I DO NOT VANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT ZIS!!!'

But, down deep, I knew zat Daniel vas correct. I vent and rested on ze couch and felt terrible. I decided zat I vud try harder not to let somevun bully me into making a mean decision. I learned zat you should NOT listen to bullies and you should NOT urinate on people. Zese are lessons zat efryvun should live by. So if you haf peed on somevun, you should go and tell zem you are sorry today. But, it is even bettuh to choose NOT to pee on somevun in ze first place. Zis vil save you a vorld of guilt."

Augustus the Hungry Kitten: (On rain and deep thoughts)

"Today is vun of zose good days to haf deep soughts. I avoke and found ze vorld felt grey. Aftuh eating my fill...vich alvays seems to take longer zen efryvun else, I decided to sit by ze vindow and look out at ze outer vorld.

I vas SHOCKED to see zat ze sky vas CRYING! Zis vas very disturbing to me! I did not unduhstand vat vas wrong and I tried to sink of vy zis vas happening! I vundered if ze clouds had made fun of ze sky and called it great insulting names and made faces at it. Zis angered me greatly!

Zen, I cried out to my bruzzahs and sistahs, 'LOOK! Ze sky is crying! Zer are great tears falling from ze sky!!!' But, zey did not belief me and zey taunted me.

'Haha. Augustus has gone mad!' zey said. 'He has been eating from ze excrement box again and zis has made him crazy!'

And so I shouted at zem! 'NO! I have NOT eaten from ze excrement box in ovah a veek! And YOU did it too! I now know zat ze grey crumblies are NOT for EATING!'

But, zey continued to mock me and I became so fury-filled zat I vanted to cry too! Zen vun of my bruzzahs came close and said, 'Augustus! If I come and look, you vil only trick me and zen push me from ze vindow sill to ze floor!'

I told him zat I vud not seek to do zis and zat I vas not telling falsehoods about ze sky! And so my bruzzah joined me and togezzah ve sat quietly vatching ze sky as it cried. I vas glad zat my bruzzah had trusted my vords and I began to feel very happy vis him. Zen suddenly, he turned to me and said, 'Ze sky. She is probably crying becuz she is s schtinky poo bottom like you, Augustus! Hahaha! But I am only KIDDING!'

I looked at him for a very long time. I do not sink it is polite to insult somevun and zen try to make it right by saying you ver but joking vis zem. Zis does not seem right to me. And so I very slowly slid my golden paw along ze base of ze vindow sill, and swept him off to fall to ze floor vis a thunk! I do not feel bad about zis.

Zen, Daniel said zat he did not sink zat ze sky vas sad. He said, 'Look, Augustus. Ze grass and ze trees and ze flowers are so HAPPY! Zey are growing so green aftuh zer long thirst!'

And vise Daniel vas right! And so my deep soughts changed and I saw zat ze sky's tears ver a GIFT! Zis made me HAPPY! I sought of my list of best sings from yesterday, and sought zat maybe ze SKY had made a happy list, too! And MAYBE ze sky vas crying HAPPY tears filed vis gratitude for good sings!

And so, today, I hope zat efryvun vil make zer own list of ze best sings. And zen, ven zey sink of zis list, zey vil cry happy tears zat vil be gifts to efryvun else."

Augustus the Hungry Kitten: (On the best things)

"Today, I am sitting here sinking about many sings. Zer are SO many sings to be happy about. I have decided to make a list of ze best sings. It occurs to me zat hafing such a list may come in handy on days ven ze humanz annoy me vis zer questions, or ven zer are monstuhs outside, or ven someone calls me, schtinky poo bottom. On zose days, I vil remembuh zis list and make my own self feel bettuh.

Food. Food is one of ze best sings. Sometimes it is crunchy. Sometimes it is vet food and zer are SO many various flavors! Sometimes, it is my own muzzah's milk...and zen I lay down and kneed vis my paws and purr and fall asleep lazily vile I drink. Food is not simply nourishment...it is a great celebration!

Waking up without poo on you. Until you have awoken to find a large poo matted in your own leg hair, you do not TRULY know how vunderful it feels to awaken and be poo-free. Also, using a freshly cleaned excrement box is one of ze best sings. Ve all try to be ze first to use ze box before it is poo-defiled...and I am often first. Zis is ze best.

Daniel. I luf having a best friend who is kind and supportive and doesn't call me names. He is fun to play chase vis and he likes all ze same sings zat I do. Daniel is one of ze best sings.

Sunlight from ze window. I LUF ven sun streams through ze vindow onto ze floor! It is ze most magical place on earth to play and nap!

And lastly: Something zat moves very much. Zen doesn't move. Zen moves a little. Zen stops. Zen moves again. Zen pauses. Zen moves very much. ZIS IS LIKE A DRUG TO ME!!!!

And zat concludes my list for zis day. I am going to spend my afternoon looking out of ze vindow, and sinking about ze best sings."

Augustus the Hungry Kitten: (On annoyances)

"Ze humanz. Zey ask too many questions! 'Vat are you doing, Augustus? Vehr are you going, Augustus? Haf you used ze litter box today, Augustus? Are you a good kitten, Augustus?'

Zese are schtupid questions!!! Vat am I doing??? You are vatching me. Vat does it look like I am doing? Perhaps a BETTER question vud be, 'Vat are your intentions, Augustus?' Zen I vud tell you, 'I am scaling ze great couch mountain! Ven I arrive at ze pinnacle, I vil scout my surroundings for enemies and zen seek to take ovuh ze living room!!!'

Vehr am I going??? I haf NO idea!!! I vil know vonce I haf arrived zer! Vy must I plan efrysing out for you, humanz? Must I submit my daily itinerary in writing? BECAUSE I CANNOT WRITE!!!

Haf you used ze litter box today, Augustus? VY vud you ask me zis?! Zis is NOT an appropriate question to ask! I do not approach you in front of your friends and family and inquire, 'Humanz! Haf you made use of ze excrement box today? I must know now and quite publicly if you haf made a POO!'

And how DARE you even question me on ze amount of my goodness!! I am ze BEST of all kittenz! I DEFY you to find a more noble kitten zan I!

I am going to hide unduh ze luf seat and nap. Ven ze humanz call, 'Vehr ARE you, Augustus?' in zer insulting sing song voice, I vil NOT come out! Zis vil surely teach zem to mind zer own businesses!"

Augustus the Hungry Kitten: (On dealing with conflict)

"Daniel and I are fighting.

Ven I voke zis morning he vas playing vis my bruzzahs and sistahs. And I DID NOT like zat! I vant him to only play vis me! So I said, 'Come, Daniel. Let us go in ze azzuh room and ve vil play chase!' But, Daniel did not follow me, and zat made me sad.

In ze kitchen, I found a large chunk of wet cat foot zat had fallen to ze floor and had become quite dry and hard. I named it 'New Daniel'. I raised my voice quite loudly so zat Daniel could hear, and said, 'Come, NEW Daniel! Ve shall play chase. I know zat YOU vil not betray me to those that vud seek to call me schtinky poo bottom!'

And so, New Daniel and I played chase in ze kitchen. New Daniel does not make ze vunderful scrunchy paper noises zat Daniel does. And ven New Daniel runs about, pieces of him fall off on ze floor. And I do not sink he likes me because he does not laf at my jokes and I caught him making faces at me.

Zen, ze humanz said zat I vas making a mess vis New Daniel. And I shouted at zem, 'No I am NOT making a mess! I am playing chase vis New Daniel and I cannot help zat he is NOT ANY GOOD AT IT!'

Aftah zat I became tired and so I laid myself down to rest. Zen, my melancholy turned to hunger. And so I ate New Daniel. I FEEL VERY BAD ABOUT ZIS! So, I vent to ze kitchen to gazzuh up all ze pieces of New Daniel zat had broken off vile ve ver playing and tried to shmoosh zem back togezzuh. But, zen, I ate all of zose too. It vas a very dark hour for me.

I vent and found Daniel and laid myself down vis him. He did not run avay or make faces at me, so I sink ve are are still friends. I am glad because I do not feel vell. I sink New Daniel did not settle properly on my tummy. I guess zis is vy zey say zat good friends are hard to find."

Augustus the Hungry Kitten: (On defending your friends)

"Today, one of ze bigguh cats stole Daniel avay from me and began batting him about ze house in a violent manner!

I said, 'STOP ZIS YOU BIGGUH CAT!!'

Ze bigguh cat sneered at me and said zat Daniel vas only a rolled up food wrappuh.

I screeched, 'NO!!! Zis is not TRUE!!! He is my DANIEL! And you vil NOT harm him!!!'

Zen I stood on my tip-toes and arched my back and I puffed out my long golden fur as nevuh before! I hopped back and forth in vat I can only imagine vas a very terrifying manner!

Ze bigguh cat zen valked avay as if he vas bored. But I know he vas hiding his great fear of me!

I feel quite empowered by zis! I am so proud!! Because it is very important to stand up for your friends!

Zen, I vent and cuddled vis Daniel and he said he vas happy to haf a good, best friend such as me to defend him. And so I nuzzled him close. Even zo he no longer schmells like hamburgahs."

Augustus the Hungry Kitten: (On being afraid and telling stories)

“Last night, I found it difficult to sleep. Daniel and I ver resting in ze prison room and talking softly about ze masked bandits ve had seen earlier. It occurred to us zat zer vas dry cat food in ze room vis us…and zat if ze villains came in our room to get it, ve did not vant zem to look at us vis zer terrible devil eyes.

Sometimez ven you are very much full of fear, it is hard to know vat to say, except zat you are very, very afraid. And so I asked Daniel, I said, ‘Daniel? Are you scared? Because I am not scared, but I am concerned zat you may be.’

And Daniel responded, 'Oh YES, Augustus! I am very, very afraid.’ And zen he asked me to tell him a story. And so zis is ze story I told:

‘Vonce upon ze time, zer vas a brave and golden varrior who had many friends and who smelled of hamburgahs and happiness. Ze varrior and his friend, ver on a long journey ven zey came upon a giant rat monstuh. Ze rat monstuh said, "I am going to eat ALL ze food in ze vorld!" And ze great golden varrior said, "OH NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO ZIS! GO AVAY RAT MONSTUH!" And ze rat monstuh said, "OH MY! I am so very much afraid of you and also I am sorry to you and you are so brave and strong zat I vil go avay just like you command!"

Zen zey ver approached by a horrible schtinky monstuh. And ze golden varrior said, "GO BE SCHTINKY SOMEWHERE ZAT VE ARE NOT!" And zen ze golden varrior’s bruzzahs and sistahs arrived and called ze monstuh a schtinky poo bottom monstuh! And ze schtinky monstuh ran avay to take a bath!

Later zey ver ambushed by evil food bandits vis devil eyes! And ze great golden varrior protected ze food and his friend! He shouted, "NO YOU VIL NOT BE MEAN AND SCARY TO US! YOU ARE VERY BAD BANDITS AND YOU VIL LEAF US ALONE!" And zen ze varrior attacked! Schmack, schmack, schmack, schmack, SCHMACK!!! And ze evil bandits peed on zer own legs in fear and zen ran off! And efryone vas so grateful and happy and safe! And efryone liked ze golden varrior so much and vanted to be his friend.'

Zen Daniel asked me, ‘Vat next, Augustus?’

I sought Daniel had fallen asleep by now…and vas not prepared for zis question. But I continued ze story…

'Vell…zen…zey…uh…valked some more. And zey just kept valking on zer journey. And…zey…ate strawberries. And…zen…zey valked farther…and zen…zer vas dancing…and zen…and zen…'

At zis point, I stopped and vispered to Daniel and asked if he vas still avake. He did not answer, so I knew he vas sleeping. So I did not finish my story. I vas happy to help Daniel ven he vas so frightened….because I vas not frightened…only Daniel. But, I vas relieved zat he fell asleep. Because telling stories is a hard business.

I drifted to sleep soon aftuh Daniel. And I did not dream of ze bandits, but of happy times and friends who like my stories.”

Augustus the Hungry Kitten: (On birds)

"Daniel and I spent ze morning looking out ze vindow. Zer are many vinged creatures of various colors out zer! Ze humanz call zese 'berdz'. I like ze sound of zis vord. I visper it to myself as I vatch zem.

'Berdz...Berdz.' It is great fun to learn new sings!

Zer are small blue berdz vis orange upon zer breast zat frolic in ze tall tower zat has a vatah bowl at its pinnacle. Zey must be quite schtinky to vant to take so many baths! Zey all seem to be good friends and enjoy one anuzzah. I do not understand zis desire to bathe. But I like ze vay zey are not unhappy. Perhaps zer is a lesson in zis for me.

Zer ees also a large jay berdz zat ees blue. He makes horrible schquawks and is a great bully to ze uzzuh berdz. I DO NOT LIKE ZIS BERDZ! And so I shout out to him, 'GO AVAY YOU BULLY OF ZE BERDZ! NO VUN LIKES YOUR CRUEL MANNERS! VEN I AM BIGGUH I VIL PUT YOU IN A STRUDEL AND EAT YOU FOR DESSERT!!!'

My favorites are ze Eastern King Berdz. OH zat name! I LUF IT!! I vant a powerful name such as zis! I vould be ze Midverstern King Kitten! Defender of friends and foods! And efryvun vud know zat I am ze strongest and ze bravest of all! And no vun vud tell me ven to go to bed! And zer vud be food bowls surrounding me all ze day long! Ha HA!!!

Ze last berdz ve saw vas called Robin. He likes to hop about ze yard. At vun point he became engaged in a great tug of war vis a viggly little being who vas trying very much to stay in ze ground! Daniel says ze viggly creature is caller a verm. Daniel is vise and knows many sings! Daniel and I made a wager on who vud vin zis battle. I said ze Robin, but Daniel said ze verm. If Daniel vins, I vil only eat all my food. But if I vin, I vill eat all my food and efryvun else's TOO! So I vas eagerly rooting for ze Robin! In ze end, ze Robin vun...and I vas happy about vinning our bet. But now I do not know how to feel about zis. Should I be sad for ze verm? Or should I rejoice for ze robin's victory?

Alas...zer are many sings to sink on today..."

Augustus the Hungry Kitten: (On raccoons)

"Tonight vile Daniel and I ver playing by ze glass doors to ze outer vorld, ve ver interrupted by a great commotion on ze deck. Two BANDITS appeared out of ze darkness! Zey ver HUGE and zey vore masks and zey had eyes like ze devil! 

'AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!' I cried! 'ZER ARE BANDITS HERE!!! VILLAINS!!! BANDITS!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!' I turned to run so swiftly zat I banged into ze vall!

Daniel and I hid around ze corner so zey vould not see us, and ve vatched zem steal and eat ze cat food in ze outer vorld. Daniel vas very frightened, but I told him it vud be alright. He said he vas very glad to haf a friend like me zat is so strong and brave and who has long beautiful yellow hair and who schmells so very nice.

I told Daniel zat I vas glad to be his strong, best friend, too. Zen ze bandits came to ze glass and looked in at us. And I sink I peed a little. But soon zey ver gone, and Daniel and I could come out of our hiding.

I vil not soon forget zese devils who steal ze food. For, zey vil live in my nightmares..."